WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
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I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.