Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
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the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.