wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
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5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”