Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
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People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.