my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
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Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Don’t forget to tip your server
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.