Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
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[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Does your wife know you’re single?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?