@AmberTozer

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

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@nickmullen

I’m not religious but I’m spiritual, which means I think the mothman prophecy is real and I don’t feel bad about shoplifting

@Overdue_Bills

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

@akatinamarie

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

@TheWoodenslurpy

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

@Elizasoul80

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

@BoomBoomBetty

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

@aotakeo

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

@NervousJr

The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.