@PaperWash

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

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@ChicksRule

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

@jergarl

In my defense, my response to her inquiry as to how my day was going was “I’m less stabby than normal” not “Please tell me about your cat.”

@mydmac

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

@joeljeffrey

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

@WhiskeySoured

Are these the Americans?
No.
Are these the Americans?
No.
Are these the Americans?
No.

– watching the Olympics with my wife

@Shade510

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

@junejuly12

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

@ibid78

A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.

@backporchlady

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

@AnniemuMary

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”