@PaperWash

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

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@Slade

About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds

@AmishPornStar1

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

@BoogTweets

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser

@sammyrhodes

S is my favorite letter because it changes biscuit to biscuits.

@Tmoney68

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

@SMLXist

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

@david8hughes

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

@zachheltzel

Everything doesn’t “happen for a reason.” The universe is not aware of your existence. Stop being arrogant.