wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
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Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.