Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
You Might Also Like
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips