If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
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Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Who does Amazon think I am?
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.