@just_evolved

Wish me luck guys, I’m participating in my first marathon this weekend. It’s a Golden Girl’s marathon but I’m not stopping till it’s finished.

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@AngryRaccoon2

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

@vineyille

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

@samalmightysam

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

@CopBroughtPizza

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

@TheToddWilliams

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

@JoroPotential

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

@Jennifergr8

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then? nnHe replied….chicken.nnnThank god he is good looking.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

@harvardgraduat

[during sex]

her: punish me

me: [panicking] g-go stand in the corner and think about what u did

@TheBoydP

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1