Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
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I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.