Wish the trash would take me out for once.
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I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.