@zacharyflynn

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

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@iGreenMonk

I went for a run in morning but came home after 2 minutes coz I forgot something

I forgot that I’m so fat that I can only run for 2 minutes

@WittySassBasket

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

@thedad

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

@FuckabillyRex

Driving around picking up hitchhikers until I find one that’s feeling murdery.

@Lakelandr

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

@LeahJM

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

@thetobbie

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

@petemandik

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.