wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
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blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Is this a threat?
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I really had high hopes for this year though
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes