Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
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Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat