* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
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Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
How about daylight saves us for once
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.