@TheAlexP

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

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@sofarrsogud

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

@Donna_McCoy

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

@daemonic3

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

@envydatropic

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

@CanadianCyn

Mom: You need to get a hobby.

Me: Like photography?

Mom: I don’t think stalking the garbageman is a hobby.

@mister_blank

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

@GoodZiIIa

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

@SkinnerSteven

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

@RodLacroix

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.