ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
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Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Mom: You need to get a hobby.
Me: Like photography?
Mom: I don’t think stalking the garbageman is a hobby.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.