@crunchenhanced

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

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@HelloCullen

My tax dollars pay for those public school proms. I’m going to them.

@weinerdog4life

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

@dmroberts1000

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

@kimlockhartga

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

@PaperWash

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

@est1975blog

I never knew my son was 80 years old until he told me to text our neighbor because “his leaves are getting on our lawn.”

@mattwhitlockPM

Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

@HiddenPinky

Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.

@Laser_Cat

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

@Tmoney68

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.