Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
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Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.