Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
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Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
My dating profile:
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”