“Waiter… there’s a hare in my pancakes!”
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
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first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Me: I’m gonna be late
Me: *stealthily following a chicken after it crossed the road* I’m solving a mystery
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.