@ObscureGent

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

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@Browtweaten

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

@DaddyJew

Me: I’m gonna be late

Boss: why?

Me: *stealthily following a chicken after it crossed the road* I’m solving a mystery

@Stuccoman1

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

@jrvarsitybench

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

@dishs_up

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

@TheCiscoKidder

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

@Kimpulses

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.