I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
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*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.