@thefishpants

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

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@J_Luce3

Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.

@WeeMissBea

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

@jctwritesstuff

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.

@Julian_Epp

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

@MartaEffing

[sexy time]

Me: Let me be your fantasy.
Him: It’s a Star Wars thing.
Me: Say no more.

*leaves*
*comes back dressed as Yoda*

@pizzajaynow

People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.

@jeffporper

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

@UnFitz

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

@urmumsausername

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

@nigburt

My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one