Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

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Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.


My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.


The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.


Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus


[sexy time]

Me: Let me be your fantasy.
Him: It’s a Star Wars thing.
Me: Say no more.

*comes back dressed as Yoda*


People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.


An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.


*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine


Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.


My electric toothbrush broke so now I have to use my acoustic one