witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
this got me crying😭😭
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
