What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
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[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?