Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
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Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Lmao 🤣
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Waiting for the Charmin
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.