I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
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Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
And then Satan whispered, hey let’s put the alphabet in math
them (dumb idoits): remember to drink 8 glasses of water each day
me (smart person of scionce): remember to drink 16 glasses of H and 8 glasses of O each day
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Husband and I are both interested in doing 23 and Me to locate our real families. Neither of us was adopted, we just can’t believe we’re related to any of these people.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
[girl admiring bear mounted on my wall]
Omg I didn’t know you hunt!
[pouring glass of wine] “Oh I don’t, those are piñatas I’ve defeated”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.