@DrakeGatsby

Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

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@UnFitz

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

@david8hughes

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

@muniraxo

And then Satan whispered, hey let’s put the alphabet in math

@daemonic3

them (dumb idoits): remember to drink 8 glasses of water each day

me (smart person of scionce): remember to drink 16 glasses of H and 8 glasses of O each day

@aotakeo

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

@smiles_and_nods

Husband and I are both interested in doing 23 and Me to locate our real families. Neither of us was adopted, we just can’t believe we’re related to any of these people.

@jlock17

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

@PaperWash

[girl admiring bear mounted on my wall]

Omg I didn’t know you hunt!

[pouring glass of wine] “Oh I don’t, those are piñatas I’ve defeated”

@dave_cactus

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

@DearAuntAbby

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.