Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

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I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?


Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.


And then Satan whispered, hey let’s put the alphabet in math


them (dumb idoits): remember to drink 8 glasses of water each day

me (smart person of scionce): remember to drink 16 glasses of H and 8 glasses of O each day


Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl


Husband and I are both interested in doing 23 and Me to locate our real families. Neither of us was adopted, we just can’t believe we’re related to any of these people.


I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.


[girl admiring bear mounted on my wall]

Omg I didn’t know you hunt!

[pouring glass of wine] “Oh I don’t, those are piñatas I’ve defeated”


HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.


If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.