WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
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Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy