@philmann

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

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@mom_tho

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

@GarreTheFerret

Accidentally swallowed some food coloring. I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside

@alovablenerd

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

@thenatewolf

Mechanic: you need a new carburetor

Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I’m like you

@DomesticGoddss

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

@noog

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

@daemonic3

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

@NurseSeymour

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

@Dani_Feld

I fed the cows marijuana.

The steaks have never been higher.