@philmann

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

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@Tups13

Her: You know what turns me on? Adventurers who survive adversity.
Me: Once I got lost inside my duvet cover and thought I was going to die.

@SondraDeeMe

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

@stevevsninjas

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

@mjkspeaks

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

@itscarokitty

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

@Fred_Delicious

“son, did i ever tell you about how I served in Nom?”
“dad, don’t you mean Nam?”
“sorry son i ate a small cake at the end of that sentence”

@britt_anylynn

The sign at the McDonald’s I just passed says “We hiring” in case you’re wondering what kind of qualifications you need to have to be hired.

@Thedudish

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

@JeffMyspace

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts