WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

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Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.


I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.


The harder you slam the door walking out on an argument

…the more likely you have to go back inside for your car keys.


I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.


Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.


There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.


Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered


Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances


Some dude just asked if I was “herb friendly”. I told him I like basil and dill and he walked off. Guess he didn’t have thyme to discuss it.


When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.