@philmann

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

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@stevevsninjas

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

@WilliamAder

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

@realHamOnWry

The harder you slam the door walking out on an argument

…the more likely you have to go back inside for your car keys.

@GuyThe_Guy

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

@chrisdowning

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

@DamienFahey

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

@thefishpants

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

@DrakeGatsby

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

@Eightinchgoat

Some dude just asked if I was “herb friendly”. I told him I like basil and dill and he walked off. Guess he didn’t have thyme to discuss it.

@DomesticGoddss

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.