witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

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You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.


When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence


December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth


Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.


I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.


Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.


What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression


[thoughts of person talking to me]: He’s furrowing his brow, he must really be listening!

[my brain]: How do cows make cheese