witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
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this is the best interaction on twitter
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
👾👾👾
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY