You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
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When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Smoked a cigar
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
me: i’m late
me: it’s yours
What if I don’t take meds?
What are the side effects of meds?
What if I stop taking the meds?
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
[thoughts of person talking to me]: He’s furrowing his brow, he must really be listening!
[my brain]: How do cows make cheese