[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
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We avoided this particular disaster
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?