It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
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I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
*cough*
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!