With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
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Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I wanna be friends with this person
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.