Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
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Me trying to “trust the process”
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?