me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
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I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
so weird how every mom was born today