With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
You Might Also Like
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
had to share :’)
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms