Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
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I’m 39 and I still don’t know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
I don’t wanna look silly
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
My GFs family are religious which sux
1st time I stayed there her dad wouldnt let us sleep together
Was a shame cuz he was very attractive
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I know a drug deal when i see one
Time flies when a falcon steals your wristwatch.