Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
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[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
drew a comic about my origin story
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops