“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
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inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I’m about to risk it all
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name