@MelvinofYork

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

- @MelvinofYork

You Might Also Like

@murrman5

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

@DurtMcHurtt

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’m depressed

Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA

Me: How will that help?!

Doctor: Who’s a good boy?

Me: I AM

@dubiousrhetoric

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

@DaddyJew

Doctor: are you an active marijuana user?

Me: not really, I usually just sit on the couch and play video games

@PonyboyGA

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.

There will be no coffin at his funeral.

@RecursiveTaco

Priest: The power of Christ compels you! I cast you out! Unclean spirit!

Me: Wait, stop! Some of these are load-bearing demons.

@UnFitz

[first date]

Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?

@mattZillaaaa

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.