With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
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If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I’d love this…lol
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Ok but actually
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Many hands make light work
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
thinking about a very short hotdog
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.