Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
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I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Smooooooth
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-