Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
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I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I casually mentioned to my cat that I’ve petted many animals in my time, and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said “How many?”
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Egg drop soup
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me