With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
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I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
do horses think humans are hats
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.