[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
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“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
some things should go without saying
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”