@Julian_Deane

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

- @Julian_Deane

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@Sickayduh

I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken

@primawesome

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

@daemonic3

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

@ieatanddrink

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

@BoomBoomBetty

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

@Contwixt

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

@offsidebastard

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.