With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
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I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Very good! 👍😂
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
lmao
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.