With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
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i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]