My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
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I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
*exercises sarcastically*
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser