with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
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[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”