With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
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If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!