Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
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John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
How dramatic are you?
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?