With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
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When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb