funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
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Just watched a guy cut up his burrito into dozens of little pieces. I wonder how many people he’s murdered.
Signs that your wife is cheating on you:
1. Wearing more makeup and perfume than usual
2. Acting distant
3. Sleeping with another dude
If you miss them, tell them. Ask them not to run so fast next time. Improve your aim
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Is this your resume?
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
Welcome to UPS!
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I got new batteries
~me flirting with myself