@AnAbsurdBird

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

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@Home_Halfway

Just watched a guy cut up his burrito into dozens of little pieces. I wonder how many people he’s murdered.

@TheHyyyype

Signs that your wife is cheating on you:

1. Wearing more makeup and perfume than usual
2. Acting distant
3. Sleeping with another dude

@broken_rhi

If you miss them, tell them. Ask them not to run so fast next time. Improve your aim

@krakkenlackin

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

@daemonic3

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!

@Jake_Vig

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

@KyleMcDowell86

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*