Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
You Might Also Like
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.