Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
With Instagram’s new video function, we will now be able to hear the quacks from all the duck faces.
You Might Also Like
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Me: sleep before the monsters get you
7: monsters aren’t real
M: you sound like your brother
M: I’ve said too much already
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much.
What a thing to Fallout 4.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
M. Night Shyamalan: *hiding*
M. Night Confidentamalan: Hey guys! How is everyone?
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.