@Cpin42

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

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@lmwortho

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

@squirrel74wkgn

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

@Henry_3000

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

@Marlebean

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

@wildethingy

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

@markydoodoo

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

@UtterlyTC

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

@shutupmikeginn

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

@Marcmywords2

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

@InternetHippo

*clicks on video called How to Cut a Pineaple* This is what I need

Video (32:56): The pineapple first appeared in South America over 500 ye