[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
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A double negative is a big no-no.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here