@Marlebean

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

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@LosLos__

Why is everyone smiling at me today?

*checks fly*

*no pants*

Aaaah.

@KKAlThani

“Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?” – how waiters should greet people

@AimeeHelene1

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

@IamPhartacus

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

@iAmDelFreaky

Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.

@momjeansplease

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

@3sunzzz

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

@jackie_ibbyxo

If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.

@funnyordie

The Walking Dead or the Grammys. Do you watch the bloodthirsty monsters ready to eat each other to survive or do you go with Walking Dead?