With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

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Why is everyone smiling at me today?

*checks fly*

*no pants*



“Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?” – how waiters should greet people


I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?


*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this


Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.


Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*


I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.


If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.


The Walking Dead or the Grammys. Do you watch the bloodthirsty monsters ready to eat each other to survive or do you go with Walking Dead?