With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
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art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.