With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
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Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?